Frood for Thought
I was asked to provide comments for an article related to separation anxiety that occurs when parents return to work and children enter some form of childcare. Here's where my reflections took me. Being an individual with a career is one thing but being a working parent trying to focus on balancing two important roles -- dedicated professional AND parent -- causes many people to be stretched.
For me to feel optimistic I must trust. Without trust my optimism waivers. That is what I find myself pondering after this year's (2013) State of the City Address by our Mayor of London, Ontario (Joe Fontana). Having attended these events regularly I'm noticing a different feeling leaving the event this year. I'm feeling subdued and reflective. I noticed that the audience also seemed subdued as well.
How do you respond when someone cancels a meeting with you? Lately I’ve been responding with gratitude. I’ll be clear that I don’t condone bailing on people and leaving them hanging. However, when people have to cancel for really good reasons I accept it and see it as a gift of time. In fact, I’m noticing that my mind starts dancing with possibilities of what unexpected pleasures or untended items I can welcome into my day.
I’ve been noticing a lot of my clients are living with a lot of disturbance in their lives right now. It seems that people are being challenged – work or personal relationships are going off the rails, unexpected events are messing with well crafted plans, credibility and integrity is being questioned, or they are feeling immobilized by uncertainty in the face of rapidly changing conditions. These are painful experiences; all of them legitimately cause a person to go to some degree of self doubt and wondering of “Why me?” From a broader perspective, the world feels universally unbalanced right now. Political, economic and environmental systems are unpredictably shifting like a rapidly moving roller coaster. This is creating waves. People are being humbled by their inability to exert influence or control over conditions impacting them.
Yesterday I experienced what it’s like to go against the flow. It provoked me to consider how hard it is to be the person in any situation who approaches things from a very different perspective. As I reflect on the experience I hope that I will now have more empathy and understanding for the experience of those who choose not to comply or conform and are equally convicted in their goals and approach them in a different way. Situation: A Blue Jays versus Boston Red Sox game had just completed in Toronto.
This morning I awoke early and sat quiet by candle light gazing at the snowy expanse beyond my window. As I sat, the following “voices” of snow emerged. This is such a sweet reminder for me that one simple element can mean so many different things to so many different people. Taking time to explore perspectives through the eyes of self and others is such a powerful and exquisitely simple act. It is also a well honed art of those who are especially skilled in healthy social and relationship dynamics. Snow…
We humans are facing a new disorder. It’s called Nature-Deficit Disorder a phrase coined by researcher Richard Louv. NDD is the human cost of alienation from nature. I learned about this listening to CBC and it struck me like a bolt of lightning. One of the many reasons that people are feeling so disconnected from themselves is the lack of time spent in nature. I see it again and again with leaders that I coach.
Twenty one years ago to this day I became a Mom for the first time. Our son Ryan Frood Hawke was born prematurely at 29 weeks. He has forever changed my life. Today he is my greatest mentor and guide. His life of five weeks was short and yet powerful in many ways. His life and death caused a major shift in my life that woke me up to my calling and the work I do today. I am abundantly thankful for the imprint that Ryan has left on me.
I’ve been noticing a trend lately with a lot of my clients; especially those assuming new levels of responsibility or wanting to shift to working at a more strategic level. They have a really, REALLY hard time delegating. This is clearly a leader’s edge. As I’ve worked with them I’ve noticed a few common themes and beliefs that are barriers to delegation.
Clarity of vision and values provide a powerful force to living a life of intention and fulfillment. Success is easier to achieve when you can move towards your preferred life and future with focus. It’s easier to know what to say YES to. However, another important advantage of clarity and yet rarely talked about is the ability to get really strategic about when to say NO.
Recently I worked with a client who shared that life was great. He is maximizing his strengths, he’s living in alignment with his values, he’s passionate about his work, loves his colleagues and the stimulating work environment he’s blessed to be part of. Yes, he’s working hard and long hours but it’s gratifying on so many levels. So, he pondered why engage in coaching when everything is good. Such a great question.
Half the challenge of communication is that it's not clear what people want or need from a conversation. Part of communication clarity is being able to ask for what you need. How often have you experienced someone venting to you about a challenge? Don’t you find that your natural instinct is to jump in and try and fix their problem? That’s not always what they need. Sometimes it’s the simple act of listening is all that's needed.
I haven’t met a person yet who doesn't love to receive acknowledgement, thanks or appreciation. So if that is true, why is it so difficult to do? How often do you quietly, internally think positive thoughts about a colleague, friend or family member and yet hesitate saying something. My hunch is a lot. We humans are masters of assumptions. We assume that those we value the most intuitively know that we think highly of them and appreciate their efforts. Because of the work that I do as a coach, I have come to realize that the art of appreciation is a huge skill to cultivate in leaders.
Today is an official snow day; the second in a row. As I peer outside, our world has transformed to a fluffy white winter wonderland of over 40 cm of snow. The official institutions of the world – schools, universities, city services – have declared themselves closed. So, our world is slowing down. We are staying close to home. We are having moments of stillness. Not by choice and yet it’s a delectable indulgence.
It’s official. Our daughter has moved away to start University. In one day our family system shifted from four to three -- at least those of us living at home. It’s making me think on a very personal level about system theory and patterns that we witness in teams experiencing change. System theory says that every time someone leaves or joins a system (family, team or group) that the organic nature of the system changes.
Assumptions damage relationships and communication. When coaching teams and facilitating formal and information partnerships, we see that assumptions are often underneath most conflict situations. The quietly held internal beliefs that we hold about people, situations and intentions block opportunities for connecting and learning from each other.
Our vulnerability is the source of our greatest power. It’s also the access point for your life purpose. Bold statements I know. In fact, I know many will not agree. And that’s fine. I’ll offer a perspective from the greatest teacher - life. If nothing else, I hope that it might provoke new thoughts and new awareness. Vulnerability is being exposed. Vulnerability is not knowing. Vulnerability is scary. Most people do anything to mask vulnerability. Sometimes though, life creates circumstances beyond our control. No matter what, you simply cannot pretend that everything is "OK".
GET REAL -- In life. In leadership. In relationships. What does GET REAL mean to you? For every person reading this GET REAL means something vastly different. That’s the beauty of our humanity. That’s why it’s also important to not make assumptions, on this or any other topic. GET REAL came to me as a button. Over the years, I’ve often worn provoking button messages on my jacket lapel.
A dominant complaint in team dynamics is silo thinking. Leaders want their teams to work collaboratively and call us in to “Bust Silo’s”. However, busting silo’s can feel harsh and aggressive. The desire to break down silos is usually to inspire more collaboration, efficiency, sharing of strengths and talent while achieving the global goals and mission of the organization. It’s human nature to defend what we care about. If there is any threat to our primary identity, we fight to protect it. So, if a team development session is billed as a “Busting Silo’s” event you can gaurantee that people will show up prepared to defend their territory. So what is a different way of achieving collaboration other than Busting Silo’s? In our work we refer to it as Building Bridges.
